Night on the Town
by Feeshies
Summary: Thoth is drafted into being Khonsu and Set's designated driver as they hit the club. [Takes place between The Red Pyramid and The Throne of Fire]


The mortal world was so quiet compared to the constant influx of information swirling around in the duat . Whenever he resurfaced, Thoth always felt the need to keep himself busy with as many projects as possible. If he were to go one minute without something to distract his mind, the silence would eat away at his attention until he was unable to focus on anything else. Fortunately, the mortal world was a cornucopia of new intrigues and curiosities. There was one day when he realized he knew close to nothing about the process of making sourdough bread, but after a few initial days of research, he had a corner of his lab dedicated to holding jars upon jars of starters waiting to be activated. Although, he never ended up using them in bread, since he quickly moved on to another hobby.

Antfarming. Yes, this was going to be the new focus of his attention. It had been a while since he last dabbled. A few hundred years, to be exact. That thought occurred to him at roughly 11:45 pm, and soon it was all he could think about. The moment Thoth realized he didn't know that much about antfarming was the exact moment he realized he now had to learn everything about antfarming. He declared this as he paced around his office, occasionally pausing to scribble the skeleton of his research plan onto one of the walls.

His ibis secretaries stared pensively at him, no doubt tired of this routine.

Of course, he would need sources - references. Thoth frowned as he looked down at his watch. It was awfully late. Chances were, most places that had the research materials he needed would be closed. Perhaps he should just wait for morning?

No , he told himself. This was urgent. He knew that he wouldn't be able to sit patiently and wait for morning to come. The desire for knowledge was like an itch he needed to scratch. Besides, he lived in a major city. Surely there had to be some 24 hour bookstores in the area, right?

Thoth pulled his coat on and headed out the door. The city air was cool and quiet. Even the dots of light from the occasional passing cars couldn't break through the stillness. It was odd, but it was moments like these that made Thoth ever-aware of his age. Not the battles, not the momentous historic events he personally witnessed, but the quiet moments. When everything else was standing still, he could feel the world move beneath his feet. He could feel the precious balance of the universe tremble. He could feel everything passing him by.

He shook his head and began heading down the sidewalk. Antfarming , he told himself. Just think about ants.

The distraction seemed to work. He let his mind go on autopilot, plotting through the exact types of resources he needed. Of course he wasn't going to start out by owning his own ant farm, he certainly didn't want a repeat of his beekeeping attempt. Perhaps it would be best if he started out with a few primary sources. What were the economic benefits of keeping ants? What of its history? What is the best species of ant to start with?

These thoughts were doing a fairly good job keeping his mind occupied, but something else was starting to seep through - music. He couldn't hear it that well, but it sounded like…it sounded like…

Thoth froze. The song was definitely The Wanderer by Dion. And it was getting louder.

Before he could react, a glossy silver Lexus came barreling down the road and came to a screeching stop next to Thoth, the early 60s rock staple blasting proudly through the speakers. The dangerously-tinted window was rolled down, revealing an all-to familiar face.

"Thoth! Buddy!" Khonsu called over the song, not bothering to turn it down. "Never thought I'd find you around here!"

Khonsu looked different, which Thoth had come to expect. The moon god always prided himself in fully immersing himself in modern civilization, his own personal style and appearance changing as often as the phases of the moon. Even in the darkness of the vehicle, the light coming off of his silver suit and his hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of platinum jewelry was almost blinding. His long black hair was sectioned off into multiple smaller braids, each adorned with glittering silver beads.

Thoth looked back at the outline of the glass pyramid overlooking the river.

"Well, I do live here…"

Khonsu laughed,

"By Ra, I missed you. Anyway, hop in! We're hitting the town and you should come with!"

Thoth frowned,

" We?"

Khonsu nodded towards a red mass sprawled out in the backseat.

"Set's here, already started drinking for the night too. By the way, you can drive, right? Because I want to have some actual fun tonight."

Thoth crossed his arms,

"So you're not inviting me as a friend, but as a designated driver?"

Khonsu beamed,

"Yes! Exactly!"

"Forget it."

Thoth turned away from the car, only for Khonsu to start leaning on the horn.

"Get in, nerd!" Khonsu called over the disturbance. "We're going clubbing!"

Thoth took a few steps forward, but Khonsu continued to follow him.

"Come on!" Khonsu yelled. "It's not like you have anything else planned for the night!"

"Excuse you, but I am out right now, aren't I?" Thoth folded his arms. "I have a life outside of making sure you guys don't kill each other, you know."

Khonsu raised a perfectly trimmed eyebrow.

"Oh yeah? What kind of plans?"

Thoth hesitated,

"Well, I was considering getting into antfarming…"

Khonsu stared at him in disbelief.

"That's really sad," Set's voice came from the backseat.

"I spent over a millenia cleaning up you and your siblings' messes," he scolded. "So you're in no position to judge my life choices."

Khonsu waved his hand,

"Listen, you like learning about mortal culture, and I appreciate that. But you can't keep ignoring your brethren. When was the last time the two of us hung out?"

"There was that last tabula game-"

"That was god business, that doesn't count!" Khonsu protested. "Speaking of which, I can't believe leap years managed to stick around for so long."

Thoth shrugged,

"Romans are stubborn, what can I say?"

"But you see? That was thousands of years ago! Don't you deserve a break?"

"And I'm supposed to spend my break babysitting the two of you?"

Khonsu frowned,

"Well, we're going to be out regardless of whether you come with us or not. However, if you do join us, you'll have peace of mind knowing that I'm not behind the wheel after downing a bottle of Merlot."

"You're-?!" Thoth squaked. "Are you mad ?! There are mortals on the road! You shouldn't do that!"

"Well, I don't have to," Khonsu grinned before making a move to scoot over to the passenger's seat.

Thoth stared at him in disbelief, before letting out a defeated sigh and reaching for the car door.

"You owe me."

"Don't act like I'm not doing you a favor, old buddy." Khonsu patted Thoth's shoulder as he sat down, only to frown and tug on the fabric of his lab coat.

"What?" Thoth prompted.

"You couldn't have at least dressed up for the occasion?"

"You literally just invited me!"

"This whole look is a mess," Khonsu clicked his tongue. "Honestly, boot cut faded jeans? Did I accidentally use my powers over time to send you back to 2007?"

Thoth gripped the wheel and tried to ignore Set shouting "OOOOH!" from the backseat.

"Just tell me where you want me to take you."

Khonsu shook his head.

"First, I'm taking you to my suit place."

The moon god tapped a panel on the dashboard and a sleek GPS system lit up.

"I don't know where your 'suit place' is."

Khonsu waved to the screen.

"It's listed under Emergency Locations."

Thoth sighed and tapped the screen. Fortunately, there was only one name under the Emergency Locations menu. Actually, Thoth didn't know if he would consider that fortunate. Still, he followed the instructions laid out by the GPS, all while Set booed him for following the speed limit and Khonsu continued to offer "helpful" criticism.

"Honestly, it looks like you've been wearing the same t-shirt for weeks! What's the point of being an immortal being if you're not going to change things up?"

"You have your way of adapting to the modern world, and I have mine."

"Hmm…" Khonsu mused. "You should pierce your tongue."

"Not happening."

Thoth pulled into the parking lot in front of a high-end menswear shop in the heart of the city. Gold light spilled from the large, glossy windows and onto the sidewalk below, but all other signs pointed to the store being closed.

"Come on," Khonsu urged as he opened the passenger door. "We're missing the best hours of the night."

Thoth stood outside the car in case Set needed help getting to his feet, but the desert god managed to climb out with relative ease.

Khonsu waved his hand over the locked glass doors. The hieroglyph for open was conjured in glowing silver light before melting into the glass. There was a small clicking sound, then Khonsu pushed the door open and beckoned for the other two gods to follow.

Thoth stepped into the front room of the shop. The wood floor was so polished, he could have used it as a mirror. A labyrinth of shelves displayed fine suits in a seemingly infinite number of styles and materials. Even though he spent centuries walking through temples and palaces, he immediately felt out of place. Perhaps Khonsu's pestering was finally getting to him.

Set immediately bolted to a display of red suits, all of which were nearly identical to the one he was currently wearing while Khonsu made his way over to the counter.

"So," the moon god inquired. "See anything you like?"

Thoth shrugged and touched the sleeve of the closest jacket he could find.

"This looks good."

Khonsu gasped,

" Tweed? Are you actually trying to break my heart?"

Even though he wasn't totally invested, Thoth couldn't help but take offense.

"What's wrong with it?"

"I agree that earth tones fit you, certainly more than that awful lab coat," Khonsu tapped his chin as he combed through the displays. "Set, help me out, buddy."

Set turned away from the red suits and peered over Khonsu's shoulder.

"This looks perfect." The desert god reached over and pulled out a garish black and white checkered suit.

"That looks a bit too..." Thoth trailed off as he tried to think of the right word. "Loud."

Set waved aside the comment,

"Ska is going to make a comeback, I guarantee."

"Even I wouldn't bet on that," Khonsu buried his head in his hands. "That's it, I'm getting him something simple. Single vent, peak lapels, neutral tone, whatever. We're wasting nightlife."

He was relieved that Khonsu finally made a decision, but that didn't make the process go by any faster. Trying on the suit was another process altogether. He probably tried on a dozen suits before Khonsu and Set approved of one.

Thoth examined himself in the three-way mirror as he pulled the lapels over the collar of his navy blue shirt. The tan blazer fit him surprisingly well and he liked that he didn't look as ridiculously dressed-up as his company. Still, Thoth couldn't help but feel uneasy as he stared at his own reflection. It wasn't like he spent a lot of time doing so back at his lab. Even in the new suit, he still looked...tired. Realistically, he could have altered his human form to take on whatever appearance he wanted. So why did he always look so worn out?

"That is so much better," Khosnu clapped him on the shoulder. "What do you think, Set?"

"Hmm," Set stroked his beard as he sat back in a nearby chair. "I still think the checkers would have been a better match."

"Baby steps, okay?" Khonsu adjusted Thoth's lapels. "It's been 5000 years and he's finally getting a style."

"Hey."

"Let's see…" Khonsu folded his arms and examined him closely, his eyebrows furrowed when he noticed his sleeves.

Without his usual lab coat, the sleeves of Thoth's new suit had words running up and down the fabric. A seemingly infinite number of languages, all morphing into each other or splitting apart like cells going through mitosis. After a few seconds of wearing it, the words covered every square inch of the jacket.

"Is there any way to turn that off?" Khonsu gestured at the words. "This is nice fabric."

Without breaking eye contact with the moon god, Thoth rolled up his sleeve and revealed his forearm, which soon became covered in a shifting sea of words.

"Guess not," Khonsu sighed. "Hopefully the venue will be too dark to notice. Anyway, mind taking your glasses off? I just want to see something."

Thoth took a step back out of instinct.

"I would prefer not to."

"Come on, just for a few seconds. Might pick up some new frames for you too."

"I-I don't need new frames," Thoth cringed when he heard how jumbled and frantic his voice sounded.

"Relax, I'll give them back. I promise."

Khonsu swiped his glasses from his face.

The effect was instantaneous. Thoth could feel the swirling of his eyes grow faster as the veil between the duat and the waking world shattered. Divine words swirled around him like a sandstorm. Khonsu was still standing before him, but is image kept changing as he became unstuck from time. He saw him as the bloodthirsty cannibal god, a merciful healer, a young man, a mummified child, a hawk-headed human, all at once morphing into each other in a strobing effect.

Not just Khonsu, but the store he was standing in as well. He could see the exact dimensions of the building, he could see every crack in the walls, every scratch on the glossy wood floor that looked flawless just moments before. He could feel the world aging around him. Everything was too fast. It was too much information. It would be so easy for him to fall into it.

Through the madness, Thoth managed to hold his hand out for his glasses. Fortunately, the moon god had enough sense to return them. Placing them back on his face felt like placing his hand over an active firehose. It took a few moments for him to regain his focus, for the world to fall back into place.

Thoth had to brace one of his hands against the wall as he took a second to catch his breath. Eventually, the swirling of his eyes slowed to its usual pace. Even after the room stopped spinning around him, he wondered if he was still seeing things. Because he swore Khonsu looked horrified.

"Oh," he tugged at the silver chains around his neck. "Maybe we should keep the glasses then."

"You think?!"

"By Ra, that was disturbing," Set commented from his chair before his face split into a grin. "Do it again."

"No," Thoth and Khonsu both said in unison.

"Why not? It'll be funny."

"If I have to leave the club early because one of you unwound the fabric of the universe, I'm eating half of your ren so you'll still be conscious enough to know how disappointed I am in you."

* * *

It wasn't like Thoth completely isolated himself in his new home. Whenever he resurfaced from the duat , exploring the new world around him was always incredibly rewarding. One of his favorite spots was a little blues club near the river. Sure it could get rowdy at night, but during the off hours it was the perfect place to unwind, listen to music, and eat amazing barbeque.

Sadly, Khonsu didn't have that sort of place in mind.

Thoth could hear the pounding club music as he pulled into a parking space. The amount of strobing lights flashing through the open door made him wonder if his glasses fell off. He didn't hate these sort of establishments. He was sure he could enjoy them if he was with the right company.

"All right!" Khonsu clapped his hands together. "Let's get this night started!"

Thoth stepped out of the car and was relieved to see a long line of people standing outside the velvet ropes.

"Place looks packed." He reopened the car door. "Maybe next time. I do know a pretty good place nearby-"

Khonsu waved aside the suggestion.

"I can get us in. The owner owes me."

"Do I want to know why?"

"What are you, my father?" Khonsu rolled his eyes and began walking towards the club entrance. "Now come on! And don't forget to get Set out of the backseat."

* * *

The flashing lights, the pounding music, the crowds of people, it was like being tossed into the duat and he had to push his way through. It was impossible to concentrate on a single thing without a million other things trying to grab his attention at the same time.

He sat at the bar, swirling his straw in his glass of soda. The movement of the ice did help him recenter himself, but not for long.

"Thoth! Buddy!" Khonsu practically jumped onto the bar stool next to him, yelling over the music. "Having fun yet?"

"You drafted me to be the designated driver," he held up his glass accusingly.

"You don't need to drink to have fun! Honestly, I thought you were more creative than that." Khonsu held his hand out and the bartender instantly handed him an Old Fashioned. "Have you tried talking to anyone?"

"How?!" Thoth yelled back. "I can barely hear myself think!"

"That's a good thing! Stop analyzing yourself and start making some connections!"

"I'd rather not," Thoth returned to his soda. "Apparently I'm here to babysit you. Also where's Set?"

Khonsu shrugged and waved his hand.

"Don't worry about it. Anyway, have you ever been with a mortal?"

Thoth nearly spat out his soda.

"Excuse me?"

"Well, since you're mostly going by your Greek name now, I was wondering if you decided to do things...the Mediterranean way."

Thoth shook his head.

"No. Not my thing."

"Really? Well, you're missing out," Khonsu grinned. "You see, they have much shorter lifespans, so you don't have to worry about commitment!"

"That's horrible," he looked back down at his glass. "Besides, I'm...spoken for."

Khonsu scoffed,

"Ma'at? It's been thousands of years."

"I know," Thoth spoke plainly. "And I've felt every single one."

"Yes, but…" Khonsu sighed and folded his arms. "You're no fun when you're like this."

Thoth shrugged,

"Maybe if you ever married you'd understand."

"Well, you're not exactly painting an inviting picture," Khonsu took a sip of his drink. "Sitting by yourself in a bar drinking a Sprite."

"You made me the designated driver!"

"But you still chose to drink Sprite ?! Designated driver or not, there are less depressing drinks you could have ordered!"

Thoth rubbed his eyes behind his glasses.

"I can't deal with you right now. Where's Set?"

A loud crash came from upstairs followed by a series of angry shouting. Thoth nearly fell off his seat while Khonsu looked towards the sound with only mild interest.

"There he is," Khonsu stood up. "You can deal with him. I'm going back to mingling."

"Wait-" Thoth tried to get his attention, but the moon god disappeared into the crowd.

Thoth sighed and stood up, hoping that the Red Lord didn't cause too much damage.

He found him sprawled out on the floor of one of the upstairs lounges, surrounded by a circle of curious onlookers. The broken table lying in splinters plus the black blood trickling from Set's forehead made it easy to deduce what happened.

"Set," Thoth called, hoping that he was at least somewhat conscious. "Can you get up?"

Set murmured something into the floor, but Thoth couldn't tell if it was a pained groan or something less than respectful thrown in his direction.

Thoth sighed and looped his arm around Set's shoulders to help him up. The larger god leaned heavily against him, but he soon regained his balance. Before he could lead him out of the lounge, he was stopped by a man in a clean black apron.

"Excuse me, is he with you?"

"Yes," Thoth responded before Set could say something regrettable. "I am so sorry for any damages he caused."

The man didn't seem convinced. Thoth didn't blame him.

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Not exactly the escape Thoth hoped for, but he took it nonetheless. He nodded politely at the man and started going through the process of leading an inebriated Set down the stairs. Thoth knew Set had the ability to stand, but that didn't stop the chaos god from leaning on him with his full weight.

"Khonsu?!" Thoth called out, but his voice barely broke through the constant noise.

Thoth eventually found the moon god lounging on an L-shaped couch, surrounded by a crowd of attractive men and women whose clothing was even louder than the club. He managed to catch him in the middle of boasting about his various accomplishments.

"...the phases of the moon? That was me. The passage of time? That was me. Get Lucky by Daft Punk featuring Pharrell Williams? That was also me."

"Khonsu!" Even though Thoth was standing right behind him, he practically had to scream to get his attention.

Khonsu leaned his head over the back of the couch.

"Oh good, you found him. I was worried sick!"

"We're leaving." Thoth looped his arm around Set to stop him from slipping onto the floor. "Give me your keys."

Khonsu sucked in the air through his teeth,

"Well, here's the thing," he let the final syllable hang in the air as he looked for the right words. "I was actually planning on taking these fine folk back to my penthouse."

Thoth furrowed his brow as he glanced at the ten mortals who began waving at him.

"Wait, all of them?"

"Save your judgment for your wife's scales."

"I'm not judging you, but how am I supposed to get home?"

Khonsu waved his hand,

"You're a god. Open a portal. Or use one of those ride-sharing apps."

"But what about Set?"

"Set?" This time Khonsu actually turned around in his seat so he could peer over the back of the couch. "Ah, don't worry. He gets like that. Just get him some fresh air and he should be just fine."

Thoth frowned at him.

"Thank you for taking me out tonight. I feel so refreshed and relaxed."

Khonsu beamed a smile of perfect bright teeth,

"Of course! What are friends for?"

* * *

The cool and quiet night air was a welcome change after being trapped in that sauna of body spray and pounding music. Thoth managed to prop Set up on a bench across the street, but that didn't stop the desert god from slumping over and leaning heavily on his shoulder. He sighed, figuring that it would be too much trouble to push him off, and watched the foot traffic parade down Beale Street.

At one point, he saw Khonsu leave the club with his mortal companions. At that moment, it was hard to remember that he was a 5000 year old powerful being. The way he walked, the way he laughed with the others, he looked human. Mortal.

"I envy the kid," Set said, the first words he'd said since they left the club.

"He's older than you."

"Bah," Set waved aside the remark. "What is time to us anyway?"

"I did write a lecture about this very subject-"

"Can you turn off the whole 'god of wisdom' thing for a second? I'm trying to have a moment."

Thoth shrugged and folded his arms, his silence an invitation for Set to continue.

"He never seems to worry about anything," Set spoke slowly. "In a way, I admire him for that. Being able to adapt to whatever changes come his way."

Thoth cocked an eyebrow,

"Strange thing to hear from a god of chaos."

Set looked like he wanted to say something more biting, but he let out a weary sigh instead.

"I appreciate change too - it's in my blood. But for me, change has always been violent. There is a difference between the changing phases of the moon, and the change brought on by a powerful storm."

Thoth watched as the silver Lexus sped off into the night.

"He has adapted to this mortal world quite well."

Set shook his head.

"He's not adapting - he's thriving, and I don't understand it. You have this man - this god - who wakes up one day and realizes that he's no longer as powerful as he used to be. But instead of trying to regain that glory, he starts living by this new world's rules." Set slammed his head against the wall behind the bench, hard enough for Thoth to wince but the desert god hardly reacted. "Pisses me off."

Thoth stared down at the sidewalk. Even though he was a master of the divine words, he had no idea what to say. The wrong word could have devastating effects when around an angry Set.

Fortunately, Set took a deep breath and seemed to calm down.

"I've gone through phases too. Ra's lieutenant, king of the gods, my brother's murderer. But I feel like I don't have any control over these roles. People want me to be the violent usurper, fine! I'll be the most powerful violent usurper those fools have ever seen!"

He sighed and tugged at one of his dreadlocks, a new edition to his appearance ever since he took the Kane siblings' uncle as his host.

"But what if it turns out that my brand of chaos isn't as free as I once thought? What do you do when you can finally choose your path?"

Thoth assumed the question was rhetorical, so he let it hang in the air for an uncomfortable moment of silence.

"Oh," Thoth cleared his throat. "You actually want me to answer?"

"You are the god of wisdom."

"Thought you asked me to 'turn that off'."

"By Nut's starry dimples, apparently when people call you a 'god of intelligence', what they mean is 'just a huge smartass'."

Thoth couldn't help but smirk,

"So what is it you're asking?"

"What do you do when you're not being just 'the god of wisdom'?"

The smirk faded off of his face. His fingers twisted together in his lap. Was it really something he could "turn off"? He had made mistakes before, he was aware enough to admit that. He cringed whenever he thought back to how hot-headed he was during his youth.

He thought of Khonsu, who had the ability to control the passage of time, but still allowed himself to indulge in the luxuries of modern society.

He thought of the Kane siblings, the two mortal kids who surprised him in their discipline and how they were able to control their immense power. Two children with no choice but to face down dangers that most of their kind wouldn't dream of encountering. And still, despite everything they went through, Sadie was perceptive enough to let Set go in the end.

He thought back to Ma'at, whose goddess form was sealed away in the depths of the duat , where no one, not even a god, could find her. Even though Thoth knew that it was for the greater good, that her presence being hidden would make her less vulnerable to forces of chaos, his heart ached like a mortal's whenever he thought of her. There was even a part of him that wanted to find her, even though it went against the best interests of the gods and the universe as a whole. Not exactly a "wise" thought to have.

"I don't know." Thoth finally admitted.

Set smirked,

"Doesn't sound very wise to me."

"There is wisdom in admitting that there is knowledge beyond your reach." Thoth shrugged. "Wisdom is a process."

"Hmm," Set slumped back against the bench. "I guess we're all going through changes."

"Yeah," Thoth craned his neck up to look at the sky, so much starless than the same one he'd gazed at thousands of years ago. "Maybe someday, we'll catch up to the rest of the world."


End file.
